Let's taco 'bout it!
When it comes to Mexican food, tacos are unquestionably the elite number 1, and if relationships were Mexican food, communication would be the superstar taco. What do tacos have to do with communication, you might ask? Not a damn thing, but both are necessary to introduce this blog post with a pun I desperately wanted to use. SO LET’S TACO ‘BOUT IT!
Life is comprised of a series of relationships. These may be with family, friends, bank tellers, spouses, co-workers, waiters, neighbours, pets, and, of course, the relationship we have with ourselves. In order to be happy and healthy in any of these relationships, we must utilize clear communication to convey messages about what we want and need within the dynamic. This all may sound quite intuitive, but it is a topic that comes up time and time again with clients and within my own relationships. The reality is that many of us grew up in an environment where our opinions or assertions were not welcomed. Perhaps we learned to sit down, shut up, grin and bear it, in order to keep the peace. Maybe we feared upsetting other family members or friends by voicing our thoughts. Possibly the communication that was modeled to us during our formative years was more yelly and dominant than calm and assertive. Regardless of how our unhealthy communication inferno started to burn, it is of vital importance that in adulthood we learn to manage (or even put out!) the fire.
Four types of communication tend to rule the interaction landscape: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, and Assertive.
Passive communication involves the prioritization of another person’s needs over our own. The passive person may be unable to assert their feelings, wants, and needs as they bottle up their reactions to hurtful situations. When asked which restaurant they prefer for dinner, a typical response may be: “Meh, I’m happy with whatever!”…even though they desperately wanted Mexican food (tacos perhaps?!). Because a passive communicator doesn’t feel confident or safe in expressing themselves truthfully, they often will use other outlets (alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, etc.) to numb their emotions or as a vehicle for explosive outbursts of emotional energy. Alternatively, a passive communicator may begin to feel shame, depression, or anxiety because they feel weak, unable to stand up for their rights and powerless to express the truth of who they are.
Aggressive communication is on the other side of the prioritization spectrum: it involves expressing one’s own feelings, wants, and needs in a way that violates those of others in the interaction. These types of communicators tend to dominate conversations and attempt to intimidate other people with overbearing loudness, threats, criticism and blaming. When asked which restaurant they prefer for dinner, a typical response may be: “CLEARLY we are having Mexican food for dinner. What, are you an idiot or something? You better remember I love tacos or we’re never going out again!”. Aggressive communicators tend to isolate themselves from others and can inadvertently cause people in their lives to feel bad about themselves.
Passive-Aggressive communication is the sarcastic star of these unhealthy styles and is a doozy combination of the first two. These communicators appear to be passive on a superficial level but seethe under the surface for having not felt their needs be respected or valued. The passive-aggressive communicator then subtly acts out their anger towards the other person, sometimes in indirect ways long after the initial interaction. Sarcasm can be one of the main methods of delivering aggression under the guise of ‘playful’ humour. When asked which restaurant they prefer for dinner, a typical response may be: “Let’s just get whatever you want.” …followed by incessant comments about how awful the choice was throughout the meal. Passive-aggressive communicators sabotage the emotional state of the other person because they feel resentful and inadequate for having not been able to assert their own needs in the moment.
Assertive communication is the bee’s knees of healthy relationship dynamics. Assertive communicators are able to clearly state their feelings, wants, and needs, without violating those of others in the conversation. They accept accountability for their words and value their own needs equally to those of others. When asked which restaurant they prefer for dinner, a typical response may be: “I’m really craving Mexican food. What are you craving? Let’s meet in the middle and both enjoy our meals!”. Assertive communicators can listen well, make eye contact, feel connected to themselves and others, address issues as they arise, and be direct and honest without manipulating or disrespecting others. Remember the three C’s of healthy communication: Clear (ensure the meat of the message is conveyed in a way the other person can understand), Concise (keep things brief but comprehensive) and Controlled (stay aware of your emotional state and when you need a break, take one!).
If you are like me, you may have found that one of the less-than-healthy forms of communication resonates with you most. But guess what! It ain’t no thang. Once we are aware of our communication styles, we can cultivate better habits and practice asserting ourselves in a more healthy and respectful way. Using statements that start with “I…” may be helpful in communicating to others your point, while not pointing the finger of blame in any particular direction. Spending some time journalling about a particular relationship or interaction may be necessary to help you understand more about yourself and what you need. The more we know about ourselves, the more we can take accountability for the way we show up in the world and work to change old habits that no longer serve us.
DISCLAIMER: NewView Counselling is not responsible for the inevitable arguments which ensue from taking the above information and using it to accuse someone of unhealthily communicating. This post is meant to inspire the reader to take responsibility for their own communication style and their own style only. If one of the above descriptions sounds like a loved one, perhaps a discussion could be had about each style and how the reader feels within those interactions. Perhaps said loved one could read the blog as well! An accusation does not tend to go in the direction of healthy communication and I endlessly encourage readers to look within themselves before condemning another.
